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Dear Airbnb Owner,

You own a house/condo/boat/tent/igloo that presumably has cost you a significant amount of money, paid to furnish it with IKEA furniture, and spent some time and effort to list it on Airbnb (or not). Well, you’re not done yet, you need to welcome me into my (however) temporary new home.

  1. When I open the door I don’t want to wonder if there is a dead body inside. I don’t want to smell any kind of smell. Not funk, Lysol, dirty dog, bleach, old lady, etc. It’s not rocket science, figure it out.

  2. I want to enter after a long day of traveling and watch some tv. I don’t want to look in a drawer and find four remotes. At the very least provide some simple instructions on how the tv works, but even that is horseshit. Get a smart tv that uses only one remote.                                                                                                                                 - You might want to get ahead of the curve and get a tv I can cast to.                                                                          - If you don't have cable tv and just rely on guests to cast from their own device, then you better make sure your internet is reliable and has sufficient bandwidth.   

  3. Clean the place. I realize you can’t necessarily control the location, the lobby carpet, the layout, the shower pressure, or the street noise. But you can make the place clean. And I don’t mean clean, I mean scrupulously clean, eat off the floor clean, immaculate refrigerator clean, sparkling glassware clean, I mean Martha Stewart and Mr. Clean had a love child clean.

  4. If the room can fit it (and even if it can’t), get a Queen sized bed, not even honeymooners want to sleep in a full.

  5. Please make entry as seamless as possible. I don’t want to have to make an appointment to meet you (or your friend, or her mother) in the lobby, on the street, at a coffee shop, or on the corner, to get the keys. What happens if my plane gets delayed, I sleep late, I’m hungover? I don’t want to have to call you to reschedule. I’m on vacation, not coordinating a business meeting. Therefore either leave the keys at the front desk, set up some kind of lockbox, or better yet get a keyless door lock with the last four of my phone number as the code.

  6. Note how I said keys. What if I want to go to the Museum of Military Stuff and my wife wants to go to the First Lady’s Gown Exhibit? I want my own set of keys and so does my wife.

  7. Most likely I’m going to want a late checkout. If you want me to leave on a high note (and a 5-star review), then work with me on the late checkout if at all possible. Even an hour would be appreciated. Oh yeah, don’t charge me a 1/4 days stay, or some sort of hourly charge for the late checkout, that’s bush league. Either grant me the late checkout or don’t.

  8. I don’t want to see your cleaning supplies. I realize you need to clean the place (see 3. above), but don’t store that mop next to the shower or the vacuum cleaner in a doorless closet in the bedroom. If you need to keep them onsite, then organize them in a closet (locked if possible). I don’t want to open the door and go “Euuuw!”

  9. Keep all the rest of your supplies (lightbulbs, tools, screws, etc.) in this closet, I don’t want to see it. Oh yeah, speaking of lightbulbs, make sure they all work. I don’t want to have to replace burned-out bulbs with the new ones you keep in the cabinet above the microwave.

  10. If there is some sort of unique situation you need to make me aware of, then please do, otherwise, I’d rather not see a list of House Rules (which I won’t bother to read anyway).

  11. There should be enough sundries for the length of my stay (however long). I don’t want to have to shop for toilet paper after the first week. For an extended stay, an extra set of fresh sheets would be appreciated.

  12. Towels will wear out eventually when they do replace them. Would you want to dry yourself with a threadbare stringy towel?

  13. Put more hooks in the bathroom. I need a place to hand my dopp kit, towel, and underwear. 

  14. Lastly, don’t ask me for a 5-star review - not cool. Instead email me after I’ve checked out, thanking me for my stay and asking for any feedback.

Do you know what the motto of the Ritz-Carlton is? Well, that should be your motto too.


The After Action Report

P.S. Hey! Would it kill you to leave a bottle of red wine on the counter to welcome me? 

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